As a veteran of varied Linux and computer help forums… there is one behavior of the average internet user that I find repugnant beyond all others.  The Help/Forum Vampire…

Genesis…. a collective of like-minded people come together and decide to create a forum for discussing and sharing their views, techniques and experiences. This community is founded on helpfulness, intelligent dialogue, and a do-it-yourself attitude.

As time goes on this community grows, achieves a certain notoriety… and due to its transparency to the public… attracts many users who do not share the same core values.

Apocalypse… This is the decay of said community. It is as predictable as the atomic clock… as dependable as gravity… the swarm begins, an incessant deluge that seemingly drains the life out of the aforementioned community.

But… what is this swarm?

They are Forum Vampires, of course.

The Forum Vampire: A Spotter’s Guide

Forum Vampires are found in every public online community, from those nearest to our hearts to those furthest from our principles.

Instead of consuming of ill-gotten hemoglobin, these vampires suck the very life and energy out of people. By nature they feed on generous individuals who tend towards helping others, and leave their victims exhausted, bitter and dispirited.

They’re not evil creatures, Forum Vampires. They act only on their blind instinct to feed, driven by base urges like most living things. Often even they themselves are not aware of their vampiric status, so leave your stakes at home.

This post has an intention to provide information on the subject and outfit you with the tools necessary to identify and track these individuals. If, while reading this article… you discover that you yourself are a Forum Vampire… you might even learn to control your vampiric ways.

Identifying Forum Vampires

Identifying Forum Vampires can be tricky, because they look like any ordinary person (or internet user, whichever is lesser). But by closely observing an individual’s behavior using this handy checklist, you too can identify Forum Vampires in the field:

  • Does he ask the same, tired questions others ask (at a rate of once or more per minute)?

  • Does he clearly lack the ability or inclination to ask the almighty Google?

  • Does he refuse to take the time to ask coherent, specific questions?

  • Does he think helping him must be the high point of your day?

  • Does he get offensive, as if you need to prove to him your forum credentials or kink card?

  • Is he obviously just waiting for some poor, well-intentioned person to do all his thinking for him?

  • Can you tell he really isn’t interested in having his question answered, so much as getting someone else to do his work?

  • Does he treat the site like a twitter feed? Pointlessness ruling the day?

  • Does he fill the page with vapid off-topic jokes and needless chatter?

Note that I use ‘he’ here in the general sense even though Forum Vampires come in all shapes and sizes, sexes, ethnicities, and creeds.

Another key indicator for Forum Vampires is the clearly stated but “impossible” question. These questions look reasonable on the surface, but in fact they are impossible to answer for a number of reasons. These questions include, for example, “How do I get my wife to (insert sexual act here)?” or “Do (random segment of society) enjoy (random physical attribute or act)?” Their purpose is threefold:

  • First, to identify a victim foolish enough to attempt to answer the impossible question

  • Second, to identify possible members of society who conform to this stated desire and subject them to further hormonal stupidity.

  • Lastly, to suck your soul out through the abdominal cavity by way of a standard-issue Bendy Straw.

This is autonomous behavior. Again, we shouldn’t hate the Forum Vampire. Or stake them. They know not what they do, only that they are driven to do it, and I believe they can be saved.

Signs of Forum Vampire Infestation

The chief indicator of a Forum Vampire problem is the lack of helpfulness—the community may still appear to be bustling and lively, but if on closer inspection the conversation is all towards the shallow end of the pool, with moderately difficult questions going unanswered, then a Forum Vampire infestation is likely.

Forum Vampires are virtual bedouins. They move into a community—as soon as they sense its vibrancy and intelligence. Often they leave (”give up,” in their eyes) when they have exhausted all the resources, leaving the community itself drained and adrift.

This gypsy-like behavior incurs a secondary effect which further cripples the community, and persists even after the Forum Vampire problem has passed. Often the “best and brightest,” sensing the outflux of decent conversation, retreat into Walled Garden communities which the Forum Vampire can rarely penetrate. In this way the individuals are sheltered from the painful effects of Forum Vampire attacks, but they also make themselves inaccessible to non-Forum Vampire posters as well. This effect can be the last straw that leaves the community devoid of experts and utterly without hope.

If You’re a Forum Vampire…

Now you know. Stop. Of course, it’s not just that easy, or nobody would ever be a Forum Vampire at all.

Before you ask a question in a community, try to find the answer elsewhere. This way you help yourself by stretching your mind and research abilities, and you learn things more thoroughly too. Plus it’s good karma.

Always try these avenues first:

  1. Keep Thinking. Often we learn that it’s easier to give up and ask for help rather than persisting—when we’d get our breakthrough if we’d only delay giving up for another 10 minutes. Respect yourself, go a little further before giving up. There are better resources than a forum of strangers to inform you of the location of sex clubs in your area…
  2. Google, of course. Google different sets of keywords… generally try at least 3 or 4 searches before you give it up as hopeless. Learning to search effectively is a skill anyone who logs onto the internet should learn.
  3. Ask your question—but phrase it differently. Instead of asking your question directly, ask “Has anyone has seen this problem?” or “Can anyone point me in the right direction?” Likely as not, someone will have been there before, and they might know a blog posting or other resource which can help you out. This way, you show you are respectful of their time, and understand your problem is (probably) not unique. “Why is it so hard to find a partner who (insert random desire here)…” is far from productive… your frustration is nothing new…

When you do ask a question or top post, use some fucking common sense.

  • Do women prefer….

    • Some do, some don’t…. no shit right?

  • What is an anal hook?

  • Nobody needs to prove anything to you. You came to us.

  • We didn’t log on to facilitate your masturbation needs.

  • If your question is viable…

    • Provide some background information.

    • Have a point… what is it you are trying to do and why?

    • Tell us what you have tried and where you looked.

  • Use a spell checker.

  • Avoid unnecessarily vague slang and txt speak.

  • Have a point, this isn’t Facebook or twitter.

  • There’s a rule… read it… follow it. No personal ads.

  • Ensure that your post is topical to the forum you’ve chosen.

  • Think before you post.

  • Think before you post.

  • Again… THINK before you post.

Reforming the Forum Vampire (e.g. Not You)

You’ll get good results by following this action plan for solving your community’s Forum Vampire problem:

  1. Create resources for Forum Vampires (and regular folks) to help themselves.

  2. Cease all behavior which enables Forum Vampires’ vampy behavior.

  3. Meet Forum Vampires head-on.

As you can see, none of these steps endorse violence. There are no stakes, kickboxing moves, or sneaky little ampoules of holy water—although witty repartee may be involved.

#1: Creating Resources

If your community’s resources are spread over all the web, not organized or indexed, and generally harder to navigate than a rat’s nest, then creating a solid help resource should significantly cut down Forum Vampire activity.

At the minimum, create a well-organized, preferably community-edited page which clearly lists the following:

  • A FAQ—with real Frequently Asked Questions, not ones which just sound likely. And with clearly phrased, actionable (urgh) information for each question.

  • List of useful resources, ideally organized by topic… I.E. Those resources than can be handed in IN CONJUNCTION with normal conversation.

  • Some very simple community guidelines. Most people (and even Forum Vampires) will behave appropriately, if they only know what appropriately is.

Ideally the Resources page should be just that: a single page. This makes finding information easy and doesn’t require a search engine.

Be nice! A condescending or cruel tone in Resources page will be very counter-productive.

#2: Cease Enabling Behavior

Secondly, you must rid the community of anything which enables Forum Vampires to keep being Forum Vampires.

Enforce autonomy. No matter how beneficent you’re feeling, never directly answer a common question. This is the lazy way out, and you only enable the Forum Vampires instead of truly helping them. Let the URL to your help resources be your only answer, but tell the vamp you are happy to help if he explores those avenues of self-help and still cannot find an answer.

Foster thinking. Even if it’s not a question you see go by fifty times a day… don’t answer it with a direct fix (unless the person is a known non-vamp, or it’s a real puzzler). Answer with questions to spur (and guide) thought. If the Forum Vampire resists thinking or complains, give them the URL for the Resources page and withhold further assistance.

Reward self-help and helping others. Thank people who ask intelligent questions and do research first, and people who make an effort to help others. Tell them they’re a credit to the community. Be especially generous with praise and emoticons for those who are actively reforming their ways. Help is a trickle-down economy.

Be friendly. People and Forum Vampires are much more likely to become useful members of the community if they’re met with kindness and encouragement rather than condescension and spite. They may seem like nothing but one more in a long strain of know-nothings, but you stand out very distinctly to them.

#3: Meet Forum Vampires Head-On

And lastly, address the problem directly.

“You’re a Forum Vampire.” Call a spade a spade, and a Forum Vampire a Forum Vampire. Tell the vamp you’ll be glad to have him as a member of your community if he reforms his vampy ways. And inform him what vampy ways you’re talking about (this page is a good way to do that).

Be gentle, but firm. There’s no reason to yell at a Forum Vampire, because they can’t help what they are until they know what they are. Being cruel to a vamp is like baiting wild animals. Just continue calmly applying the techniques found under #2, even if the Forum Vampire becomes recalcitrant or angry.

Weed out hopeless cases. There’s a small subset of Forum Vampires who feel entitled to your entire attention, and have no interest in fulfilling any of your needs. If you’ve been calm, exercised all the other techniques, and simply ignored the vamp, and still there is no change in his behavior… just eject him from the community. This means he won’t be interrupting any other exchanges in the future. What does this involve? Immediate flagging of his bullshit posts without reply…

There is Hope!

Be the change you seek… cut down on the needless chatter and contribute to the forum environment you want to see fostered. Don’t ‘become’ a Forum Vampire simply because there is nothing topical happening…. contribute topical content and stay on topic.





This post modified from the original for content and relevancy from Slash7’s blog.